Did I Pay Attention? Reflections on Motherhood

Have you ever walked into a setting that suddenly unleashed a floodgate of memories?

An 8 hour drive behind us…8 more to conquer. We had reached our midway point in route to my niece’s wedding in a small midwest town. Tonight’s lodging – the modest Bozeman Western Inn.

Maybe it was the young dad, entering the lobby with his two little girls, who caused me to reminisce. Mom scurried ahead of them, carrying the sleeping baby brother. She looked exhausted. It had probably been a full day of travel. With round eyes filled with wonder, the two little girls watched and waited in the lobby while dad made 3 trips between their car and the lobby. I couldn’t help but remember my own two little girls as I watched the anticipation in their eyes. Each girl carried her own Strawberry Shortcake back-pack and pulled her matching roller bag. Dad juggled a cooler, extra pillows, sleeping bags, stuffed bed pals, a pack and play and additional luggage.  Amidst the evident strain, his boyish grin and twinkling eyes caused the girls to burst into laughter as they proudly watched him waddle with his heavy load down the long hallway to their room.

This moment…a snapshot of a wondrously rich life.

Would any of them remember its sweet innocence? Would it be squeezed out amidst the copious experiences each one would navigate before carrying her own large suit case out of the house for the last time  when she entered into her own adult life?

This memory…so significant within a rich collection that could shape the framework of their souls.

I couldn’t erase the sweet imagery. It hadn’t been that long ago since our family of 6 ventured optimistically down long hotel hallways: Two queen beds please. Our 4 were small. The girls, being older, would claim their spot on the extra queen bed.  The boys scampered in behind them, equally excited to unroll their Buzz Light year and a Woody sleeping bags. They became adventurers, camping in a wild world…on a hotel floor.

I lay still in the dark of the night as these simple memories, so precious, resurfaced one by one. I marveled that the memory remained such a vividly tender gift. I savored, again, the sounds: the giggles, the whispers in the night. These memories…they hadn’t faded! This was actually MY life!  What a gift!  Those exhausting years were now indescribably priceless. An irreplaceable gift! At the time, those moments had seemed commonplace– merely a segue to the main event. But now…. time had cleared my perspective:

Those moments were not filler to a main event. They were the main event!

I wondered  if I had been as fully present in those moments then, as I was now, in this time of reflection? Did my own heart fill as their morning laughter filled the room?

Did I really capture the sweet sight of  all four in one bed, watching morning cartoons? Did I become a child again as I witnessed the adventure in their hearts and the wonder in their eyes?

Was I fully alive in  those moments…
Or was I racing ahead in anticipation and preparation of the near-future moments we had carefully planned, missing the fullness of the ones right in front of me?

As a young parent, I spent a majority of my time preparing for the the next thing:  daily lunches, dinner preparations, bedtime baths, weekly sporting events. When we reached that moment…it was my motherly duty to stay one step ahead in preparation.

Or was it?

I learned the keen art of multi-tasking: a skill most moms quickly master out of necessity. I’m still convinced there’s no way around it. However, in an age of increasing social media platforms, our multi-tasking can increasingly shroud the life taking place under our noses. While we peer  into the intriguing lives of Hollywood stars, fitness bloggers and all those who seem to be enjoying a life we long for, do we miss our own sweet lives?

Our culture presses us with unending necessary items to ensure the “full life”. It promises us fullness but, instead, empties us.

We find ourselves robbed of the priceless, simple moments that blend together to design the genuinely full life.

My kids are now grown. Moments with my grand kids are too few, but as this train glides forward… I’m increasingly grateful.
I’ve learned the irreplaceable value of becoming fully present in the fleeting, never to be recaptured, moments of my life.

“Being in a hurry.
Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me.
I cannot think of a single advantage I’ve ever gained from being in a hurry.
But a thousand broken and missed things,
tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing…
Through all that haste, I thought I was making up time.
It turns out I was throwing it away.
(Mark Buchanan quoted in Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts)

Our hurry doesn’t enable us to accomplish more, it actually hinders us from experiencing fully.

It IS possible to stop this vicious cycle!
It is also richly rewarding.

In my next blog-post I’m going to offer seven ideas for savoring your life now… right in the middle of your face-paced world.

In the mean time would you join me in this one simple prayer?

Jesus, help me to catch the gift of this life you have given to me.
It is a unique life, unlike any life around me.
May I savor the flavor of it, and really taste it for all that it is.
In the chaos of this season, when there may be toys scattered everywhere
and unwashed dishes in a sink,
show me how to create a real moment with these fleeting Treasures…
even within the chaos.
Help me learn, once again, how to enter their world of imagination,
and remember how to view life with a lens of wonder.
Renew in me a childlike heart that captures the preciousness of each moment.
Oh God. I ask this in your matchless name!
Amen.