6:32 a.m. Blaring sirens caught the attention of those who were reading their Monday morning paper. Our elderly neighbors grabbed their robes and headed to the curb. Why on earth would an ambulance stop in front of the home belonging to the youngest family on their block?
We arrived home late the night before with our 7 month old daughter, Karissa, after an extended holiday visit with family. My husband had been working hard during our time away, restoring our old home…he had hoped we could delay our return flight one more day since the heat had not yet been turned back on.
Little did I know this precious night would be the last night I would ever lay my baby girl down to sleep…little did I know our 11pm feeding would be the last…the last time I would cradle her to my breast, her perfect, tiny fingers wound around mine.
That next morning is freeze-framed like snapshots of a motion picture:
Gary tiptoed into her room to bring his girl to bed with us…
KARISSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blankets had suffocated.
Screams shook our house while the piercing scream of an ambulance shook the street.
Curious bystanders gazed as if watching a parade.
A hospital waiting room turned into a fortress for prayer…time stood still.
A doctor entered, his face filled with compassion. “I’m so deeply sorry. There is nothing more I can do. ….your daughter has passed away.”
Wait! Time, STOP! He had to be mistaken. “Please,” I begged, “Can you, please try one more time!”
My daughter can NOT pass away. She is our miracle, conceived amidst staggering odds. I was told I would never have children…yet God spoke life into my womb…this would NOT be the end of her story. I TRUSTED the One who promised, “If you make the Lord Most High your dwelling place, no harm will come near your tent.” (Psalm 91) This was the most devastating harm I could imagine, so I knew somehow Karissa’s story would not end…could not end…No! Not now, not this way. She had not been sick a day of her life! She had too much life in front of her!
I KNEW the One who gave women back their dead in Scripture, who raised the little girl Tabitha from the dead, who opened blind eyes and mended broken hearts. I KNEW He wouldn’t shatter my heart or fail to raise my little girl from the dead. I KNEW Karissa’s life would lead thousands of questioning hearts to know a God who loved them deeply. I sang this over her daily. I promised him that her miracle would not be wasted! THIS was not the end of her story. I KNEW it without a doubt.
I knew all this until… the men I trusted most, my beloved dad and my heart-broken husband, escorted me down the steep hill of Forest Lawn cemetery, away from my little girl in her tiny casket. I was walking away from my Miracle, leaving the joy of my life to be buried in a hole in the dirt! NO…Oh God please… You must do something now! I beg you!
As we drove away from my girl, oxygen vanished. Frightening blackness consumed. The candle of hope was extinguished. The promises of God’s Word exploded like a volcanic eruption in my soul. Ash suffocated… I was buried somewhere deep beneath it. A lifeless grey existence replaced the brilliant colors of motherhood. Seconds dragged. Nights were endless. I’d awaken, praying for relief from the vicious nightmare, only to find our nursery empty…day after never-ending day.
Months passed. Mother’s Day arrived. My tender husband hoped to take me away that weekend. Instead, we were scheduled to lead worship for our church’s weekend services. An even deeper depth of despair settled over me as I braced myself for the huge weekend celebration. With mounting anxiety, I staggered to a nearby park, where I collapsed under an oak tree. Streams of tears and clenched fists were the only prayers I had the strength to offer. I opened my Bible randomly and my eyes landed on these words: … we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.(2 Corinthians 5:8 NLT).
It was then that words formed into a prayer in the journal used to catch my scattered thoughts over the previous months. I slowly rewrote and pondered the verse I had just read:
… we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. (2 Corinthians 5:8 NLT)
Oh God if this is true, then Karissa is truly home and alive with you. She is not just simply buried in the ground where life betrayed her.
And if she is with you…then you can talk to her…
If you can talk to her…
Words snagged in my uncertain soul. Did I dare ask?
“Oh, Father, can you pick her up right now? Can you hold her for me and tell her how much I…STILL…LOVE…HER?
One more thing, Father…Can you look right into her crystal blue eyes, give her a kiss on her soft, rosebud lips and tell her,
“That kiss was from your mommy!”
A shy appearance of hope flickered. Life dripped into my soul, like liquid from an I.V. line. I left that park, feeling, somehow, that I was not carrying my crushing pain alone.
Mother’s Day arrived. At the conclusion of our worship set, our elderly and accomplished organist (yes, our music was still accompanied by an organ at that time!) handed me a piece of paper, asking to speak with me after the service. We sat together in the front row following the celebration. She revealed the reason for the note:
Patty, as you and Gary were leading us in worship I had the most beautiful vision. I believe it was given to me for you. I also believe that I am supposed to share it with you. I do not want to exacerbate your pain, but I do long to be obedient to the Lord: I saw the heavens open and the Lord surrounded by a sea of people. Closest to him were the children. As we were worshiping Him, He picked up a child, holding her closely to his chest and as He turned I saw that it was Karissa! He began to talk to her, telling her how much her mommy loves her. And then He did one more thing….He looked directly into her crystal blue eyes, kissed her on the lips and whispered, “That kiss is from your mommy!”
Pause. Gary had not read my journal. This dear saint certainly had not read my journal. No one had read my private cries to my Papa God. Overcome by God’s intimate love, I slid off my chair and laid prostrate on the floor, tears soaking the carpet. The God of Scripture was given the name El Roi (The God who hears, the God who sees)…He saw a young, broken mommy under a desolate tree, at a lonely park. Our immensely awesome God, the Creator of the Universe, became small enough to simply sit next to me under that tree, to hurt with me, to listen intently to the deepest longings of my fragile heart.
Now it was His turn to speak. The Truth of His Word flooded back into my soul like an unstoppable torrent: I am not a man that I would ever lie to you. I am not the son of man that I should take back any promise I declared in my Word. If I said it, I will make it good! You CAN TRUST ME! Oh Patty, you can anchor your trust in Me! My ways are so much higher than your ways. My Understanding is beyond your fragile, finite understanding. You asked me to raise Karissa from the dead. I didn’t ignore that cry! I had already answered it! Because of My work on the cross, she is more alive than you can fathom or would ever dare to understand. You believed her life would reach 1000s for my glory. I assure you, it will.
*****
Oh friend, sometimes our faith is too shattered to be strong. It’s at these times in our lives that God whispers, “Let me carry you on eagle’s wings and bring you to myself!” The One who buried his only Son, knows our pain when motherhood ends….He will never leave our side even when our heart is hemorrhaging because life has torn us apart.
THE REST OF THE STORY: Little did I know, while tears soaked that church carpet on that Mother’s Day so long ago, that another tiny heart was lovingly thrumming within me. One year later on the day the ambulance carried our Karissa out of our home, we pulled into our driveway with our Hannah Joy! Shouts of laughter replaces screams of despair!
Over the next 8 years God showered this mommy with four more Treasures to love and raise!
To all moms who face this Mother’s Day with pain, I rose early to pray for you…to share my story of miraculous hope with you so that you, too, might experience His hope ! I pray that you would experience the love of your Father, who sees your brokenness…who hears the faintest cries in your soul. May your pathway of pain lead you straight to His heart…may you come to know His boundless, creative love in a brand new way!
Anchors of Hope:
Psalm 10:17 Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them
Psalm 18:6 In my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.
Psalm 22:24 You have not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy. You have not turned your back on them, but have listened to their cries for help.
Thank you Patty. Indeed our Great God knows the hurts and pain of each of us. Some of us have the privilege of hearing HIS words of love from another human and some of have the privilege of hearing those words of love right in our heart from HIM. What I know is that HE loves us with that everlasting love. Thank you for sharing your joys and pains and HIS love with us. May your Mother’s Day be filled with JOY, especially with that precious new grandson!
Thank You for sharing that very precious story! I can’t imagine the pain you must have gone through! I know the Lord has used that time of sorrow that you and Gary have gone through to glorify Him! In Christ’s Love, Sharon & Cliff
You are such a remarkable woman Patty! I still remember watching her when you and Gary went out of town. That you trusted me with your Hannah Joy still means the world to me.
This is beautiful, Patty!
This is truly a beautiful story of hope and trust. Thank you, Patty.
I feel so blessed that God has brought you into my life I wasn’t sure why but I now believe that it is to open my life and my heart to having a Godly life to experience life differently and more openly to love God more and to learn…Learn from you and learn about God from you …you are very special to me in this way and it brings tears to my eyes as I write this because now I understand why God has placed me in lccc, it is because of you and my many other friends there….you truly have touched a special place in my heart and every Sunday that I see you I can’t wait for a hug I love you and your family and thanks for teaching me even though you didn’t know you were you are…so based on your story that I have heard before has made me cry again I truly believe everything happens for a reason and we may not know what that reason is at the time I believe that the good Lord will eventually make it known to us one way or another……you are such an amazing lady and I thank God you are in my life and little by little you have opened my eyes to a path that I didn’t know I could live…God bless you on this Mother’s day
Oh Christy, your words are so life-giving. You are such a gift to our church, our team, to my life. Thank you for blessing me in abundance today!
Thank you Patty for the beautiful words of encouragement. Gary told us this morning what you had written. You reinforce my hope of seeing my own precious twin babies well and happy when Jesus takes me home.
So beautifully written Patty. Karissa has now touched more than 1000’s lives I’m sure. Oh what a glorious day it will be when we all get to meet Karissa.
Oh, Patty, I’ve heard the story of Karissa, but reading the words in your blog this Mother’s Day evening makes it even more powerful! Thank you for your faithfulness to share your pain and your praise. Indeed, little Karissa–even though her earthly journey was brief–has touched the lives of many through the words of her mommy! And now the exciting new segment of your journey–Grandma–begins. Enjoy!
Patty, thank you for sharing your heart with us.
what a sad but beautiful story and how awesome is God and how he brought you through this tragedy and blessed you with the beautiful family that you have now…Love to you and God Bless all of you. Barb
My dear Patty, I cannot begin to tell you what a blessing and source of comfort you have been to my family. As I read your story with tears streaming down my face, thinking of my own precious Brandi and her loss, I was overwhelmed with the greatness of our God and so filled with gratitude to Him for bringing you and Gary into our lives. You may never know the magnitude of the comfort and support you have shown to Brandi. Her faith is stronger and her healing progressing because of your words and concern for her. You are amazing……God has blessed us through you. I hope your Mother’s Day was full of joy and blessings for you. Congratulations on your new grandson, Jackson!
Diane
Oh Diane, It is such a privilege to walk with your sweet Brandi. I cannot wait for the day when her sorrow is turned into songs of joy! We will all be rejoicing together! I love you, Patty
Patty, this is so powerful and beautiful. Thank you for sharing it and for those anchors of hope (love that)! Thank you for waking early and praying for me yesterday. I needed it. Getting up early to pray for other moms who have lost children will now become a tradition for me, starting next year, on Mother’s Day. Come to think of it, I’ll probably start Father’s Day this year for our sweet, strong husbands who carry their hurt so much more quietly. Do you do that on Father’s Day, too?
Hi Kim, I really never have made a tradition of that on Father’s day. What an exceptional idea!
Patty you are such an honest, open woman of God! You exude God’s faithfulness and I am so honored to know you and Gary! Your words in this article bring great hope in Karissa’s name because of JESUS. He is ever holding us close. Praise His mighty name who knows our personal prayers and answers every one! Happy Mother’s Day Patty! Well done good and faithful servant of the Most High.
Hi Patty, your story so blessed me. It made me cry and it made me see how personal God is. I have never doubted his love for us however to see how God reveals himself to us when we are deeply hurt He shows Himself to us in such an amazing way. Oh how He loves and cares for us his children. Thank you for sharing your story. Love and prayers to you and Gary in your service to the Lord. You are a blessing! Congratulations on your new grand baby!!!
Your cousin,
Nancy
I do not know you but I do know your Hannah Joy. This came at just the right time. I have a friend whose daughter just lost her baby to SIDS. I have no words for them but this is beautiful. Thank you.
Torri, My heart is broken for your friend. Please let me know how I can help them in this dark season.
Thank you Patty for opening your heart to so many. I cannot express how much you and Gary have meant to me and Greg. We too have angels and you both were so gracious and loved on us so much during these sorrowful times. You both shared in our grief, we did’nt feel so alone. Our God is GOOD and His promises are true, He will carry us, protect us and shield us under His wings. Something so heartbreaking and terrible God has made so beautiful, I surrendered completely to His will. Thank you for sharing your story, your life, and your love. Glory to God for He is good. Congratulations on your newest treasure!
Thank you for sharing your story. Your beautiful words are a gift to so many. You blessed me today. I was at a young age of 23 years old when I had to bury my 46 year old mother and then 4 months later deliver my 19 week old son Aiden that had not developed a brain. His brain was full of fluid like a water balloon. Although I find hope & JOY in our Savior, Mother’s Day hurts every.single.year. The pain is oh so heavy & real. Reading your story was a gift to me. Thank you for sharing…..love you friend. Congratulations on your new bundle of HOPE. xo
Amy, my heart breaks with the loss that you have endured. I am so grateful for a Savior who transforms the most shattered places of our heart into beautiful portraits of His love…now I understand a bit better the amazing, caring nature you so beautifully demonstrate. God has enlarged your heart so profoundly amidst your suffering.
This was beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing your heart and innermost feelings… so that other woman can find comfort and healing.
Patty,
Thank you for sharing your story here for others to read and take in. You are an incredible woman and so courageous to put this out there to help other women. You were there for me in one the darkest times of my life. You prayed with me, beside me and for me when I made the hardest decision at 29 years old to give up the ability to have babies so I could be healthy again. I will never forget that you were there for me and told me that everything would be ok in due time. You knew way before I did that God had a different plan for me. Our Great God truly heals us in his time. Although we may not always understand why things happen, I know it is his will and that gives me peace. You will always be in my heart Patty, thank you, thank you! I do hope you had the most amazing Mothers Day this year!
My co worker shared this with me. As i too lost my baby several years ago. The scriptures shared are beautiful and warms my heart. There is a local SIDS group here in CDA making wonderful memories for other mothers and families in the way of education but i truly enjoyed your spiritual side. We hosted our 1ST Mother’s Day brunch on Saturday it was amazing to share the joy and loss with other mother’s who have lost a child. But thank you for sharing your love, memories and God’s word
Lindy, I am so saddened to hear of your loss. I pray that God continually carries you from strength to strength. I am so grateful that He never abandons us to suffer life’s agony alone!
Patty, thank you for writing this. I cried all the way through and am still crying! I lost my husband of 47 years in January of 2013. He worked with children at a private Christian School and loved to sing with them! I can picture my Mr. Les up in Heaven teaching and singing Praises to our Lord with the little children! God Bless you richly!
Oh Judy, what a sweet and priceless picture! Heaven becomes nearer all the time as those we love precede our own reunion with our Lord!
Thank you for sharing your story, Patty. I had three miscarriages before my sons were born. After the last one at 4 1/2 months, I was ready to give up. I told the doctor that I couldn’t keep creating life only to lose it. It was not only heartbreaking, it just felt wrong. He promised me that if I could get pregnant again, he would put me on medication that would hopefully help. Stetson was born a year later. Remington came two years after that. As sorry as I am that I didn’t get to raise the babies I lost, I am truly blessed to have been able to have raised my two beautiful sons. It’s an odd feeling to know that Stetson and Remington wouldn’t exist if my prayers had been answered and the other babies had survived. Some things are hard to comprehend this side of Heaven.
I’ve often pondered that same fact of timing as I’ve gazed into Hannah’s face and even the timing of our pregnancies with the other precious three. All questions will be answered when we see Him face to face!
I spent this Mother’s Day alone. I saw posts everywhere on Facebook, about and to moms. Friends wished me happy day, and I wished them the same. My adult kids are estranged for reasons I cannot understand, nor explain. I don’t know them. If I told you my story, I doubt you’d believe it. Thing is, I hurt. Seems I could not do or be enough. That hurts.
Reading your story, I was reminded that He knows. He knows and understands, and I can go to Him and ask Him to help me to deal with the pain. That I can ask Him to help mend and if not, to help me find peace with that.
Thank you so much. I have also realized that I am not, nor was I, truly alone.
That is huge.
Thank you for telling your story. The joy, pain, fear, and then hope. God giving you something to hang on to and strengthen you like nothing else could. Confirming for you that he had your little baby in the safest, most loving place. Oh man- that part opened the flood gates! I’m tearing up just thinking about it again. Thank you for being so transparent and encouraging for others!
Oh Patty, your little girl… what a beauty & what a beautiful perspective on a bitter sweet story. I just love how God speaks to us each so personally. You asking God to kiss her for you brought me to deep tears. Amazing and that you got confirmation. I have asked God many times, to hold my baby for me because I could not. Almost 17 years ago, on Feb 12, I lost my precious Jessie Marie at 6 months pregnant with her. She was our 2nd baby loss & would not be the last. I had a miscarriage after her. After I lost her & the next, I was told I would most likely not be able to have a child, even with fertility medicine. BUT GOD. God has blessed my husband & I with 4. I have won over the enemy. I lost 3 whom are dancing up in Heaven, Living life to the Fullest. And I get to love on & raise these wonderful, energetic, happy children -these 4.
…and so Yes, Mothers Day can be ifficult for me, but even more so Valentines Day & all the Valentines decorations wrench my heart each year. I am so thankful for my Creator. He knows me, sorrows & joys. He knows me in those secret places… & this is surely one of them. He is my comfort, And your story brought me another measure of healing, knowing that I am not alone, that I can come out of hiding more than before.
Thank you, your precious Karissa is helping me.
– Genevieve
Oh Genevieve, Your story gripped my heart this evening. I am amazed by your strength to continue to press forward amidst loss after heart-wrenching loss. Your story is a testament of God’s sustaining grace and his tender-loving mercy on two shattered hearts, grace revealed through your precious four! I feel like I was standing on holy ground as you blessed me with your story! Thank you for the gift! Patty